During Monday’s meeting with governors, Donald Trump proposed one thing that might have prevented the school shooting in Florida: himself.
Trump a fool forever
*_CNN Breaking News_* WOLF BLITZER: We interrupt the reverse mortgage ad you were watching to bring you breaking news: President of the United States Donald Trump has just disarmed a man carrying an AR-15 into a Kansas City high school, this according to multiple onlookers at the scene. CNN’s Jim Acosta — an outspoken critic of Mr. Trump — has been traveling with the president. Jim, what’s the story there? JIM ACOSTA: Wolf, it was perhaps the most heroic act I’ve ever witnessed, either in-person or on the movie screen. The presidential motorcade just happened to be passing by the high school in question when the president spotted a man running toward the school entrance with an assault rifle. The president then opened the door to his limo and ran after the man at speeds you’d expect from — oh, let’s say — an Olympic sprinter or NFL running back, then tackled the man to the ground as he’d just begun firing. No one was hit, no one was hurt — except the gunman, who is now on his way to the hospital, as the president beat him severely with his very large and very powerful hands. WOLF BLITZER: Wow! Just astounding. We understand Melania Trump has learned of her husband’s heroics and is now on the phone with us from Washington. Melania, what can you tell us? MELANIA TRUMP: Wolf, I am so impressed by what I’m now hearing, and I am so very sorry for the way I’ve been acting toward my husband the past year: swatting his hand away, not riding with him to the State of the Union address, giving him only a half-hearted handy-J on his birthday. I just hope he can forgive me, and I cannot wait for my Donald to return to the White House so I can give him all the crazy, freaky, monkey sex he deserves. WOLF BLITZER: Wow. Alright. A lot to unpack there. And I understand we now have 7-time Mr. Olympia and blockbuster action star Arnold Schwarzenegger on the phone. Arnold, you’ve been very vocal in your criticisms of the president. What say you now? ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: Wolf, I just thank God that President Trump never worked out with all of the weights and such. As he’s stated, we’re all born with a finite amount of energy, and we just waste it by working out. He was right and I will never again waste my finite energy working out. I’m done with bodybuilding, Wolf. If the president hadn’t saved up all the that energy the last 71 years, how would he have taken down that attacker? Believe me, no one leaving an aerobics class could’ve done that. Not possible. And someone taking a ‘hot yoga’ class? Fuggetaboutit. Furthermore, with his boundless stored energy, I think he will repeat this heroic feat many times over. He needs to borrow a line from me and say, “I’ll be ba–” WOLF BLITZER: Sorry to interrupt you, Arnold, but we’ve just learned that Bob Mueller — the man heading up the Trump/Russia probe — is on the line. Mr. Mueller, a pleasure to finally speak with you, sir. ROBERT MUELLER: Wolf, I just wanted to announce that — as of this moment — I’m dropping all investigations into President Trump. A guilty man wouldn’t do what he did today. Not only did he not collude, but he did — in fact –_collide_ with a very bad man, saving potentially hundreds of lives. To my knowledge, Putin’s never so much as broken up a bar fight. Trump is clearly a great and honorable man. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to start investigating Hillary at once. WOLF BLITZER: Wow. Okay. So the Trump/Russia investigation is now over. And my producer is telling me that the president of Mexico, Enrique Peña Nieto, is on the line. Mr. President, you recently cancelled a trip to see President Trump due to a dispute over the wall. What are your thoughts at this moment? MEXICAN PRESIDENT: Wolf, I would just like to say that — in light of these events — it will be Mexico’s great pleasure to pay for every penny of the wall. Also, we’re sending President Trump a coupon for a free burrito at Chipotle, which is where all the Mexican people eat, as far as President Trump knows. By the way, guacamole is a dollar extra… says so right on the coupon. Can’t help him with that. WOLF BLITZER: Wow. So much praise for the president and his heroics. It really does appear that the president is as brave as I am monotone. Which makes him a very… brave… man … indeed. Now, joining us on the phone — and I hope this isn’t a joke — we have Batman. Batman, are you there? BATMAN: Yes, Wolf. I was watching your coverage from my 120-inch 8K Batscreen. And I have now realized that I — compared to our great president — am no hero. But this president of ours is truly remarkable. Imagine: a wealthy man who has no cool outfit or expensive gadgets to fight crime? Pardon my French, Wolf, but that’s just batshit! And this is a man who’s overcome such adversity. A man who’s suffered the burden of paying taxes in the highest tax bracket since the age of 18. This is a man who suffered through the abject horror of bone spurs. Bone spurs, for chrissake! They kept him from being able to follow his heart and go off to war to earn dozens of medals for bravery. Instead, he had to settle for playing tennis and banging lingerie models two-at-a-time. STEPHEN MILLER: Mr. President? Mr. President? _Stephen Miller is in the darkened presidential bedroom at the White House, attempting to wake the president._ STEPHEN MILLER: Mr. President? PRESIDENT TRUMP: _(groggy)_ What? Wha… what is it, Stephen? STEPHEN MILLER: Sir, you seemed to be having a nightmare. You were just screaming, “How do you like me now, bitches?!!” PRESIDENT TRUMP: No. Not a nightmare. Just a wonderful, terrific, fantastic dream that I want to go back to now. _The president now stares into Stephen’s eyes._ PRESIDENT TRUMP: I’m a hero, you know? STEPHEN MILLER: That you are, sir. That you are. I’ll let you get back to sleep. And I’ll go back to hanging upside-down outside your door. Good night, sir. PRESIDENT TRUMP: Nighty night, Stephen.
I bet Trump could have single handedly defeated the VietCong and won the war if it were not for his bone spurs.
How do you guys do it!? I couldn’t survive living in America under Trump. Good luck and God speed to Mueller
Trump won’t dare to talk to Mueller but he thinks he can take on a mass shooter without any weapon?
Trump is the definition of a “chickenhawk”.
Hahaha! We all know coward Trump wouldn’t dare to go anywhere near that school even if his daughter/wife Ivanka were there when the shooting was happening.
Monologue Order: 1. Trump Claims He Would Have ‘Run’ Into The School 2. NRA Members Are Losing Perks
Remember when the guy passed behind him at the campaign ralley in Dayton Ohio on March 12th 2016 ? He all but shit himself on stage.
I’m definitely not talented with a gun.
Nope. Not at all.
I’m a hazard.
This is the same man who would not fight in Vietnam due to bone spurs. Now at 70 he would run into a building with no weapon towards a killer??
“…..and then the sun comes up.” 😭😂😭😂😭😂😭😂😭
I’d rather believe that pigs can fly….
Oh yeah? Tell him there’s a fresh bucket of chicken cooling on Ivanka’s naked thigh waiting for him in the Lincoln Bedroom.. You’ll see him run.
Unfortunately the administration will listen to the NRA and gun manufacturers instead of the teachers themselves. The US lacks the money to give teachers a decent wage and proper teaching equipment yet they can afford arming them even though many teachers don’t want to be armed.
Donald can’t run ‘cos of his bone spurs. However I’m sure he would try to run – away – that is!
Trump alter ego : Orange Panther – king of wakookoo
Donald Trump is impressive in that no matter what situation he’s in, he finds a way to brag about himself.
One thing I know for sure, even the most ardent trump fanatic does not believe donald would go into a school shooting weapon or not. The only person in the United States he’s fooling is called donald trump.
If John McCain had said it I’d believe him, Trump no way!
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